Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
