you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Pants are for mortals
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
