the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
