Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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