Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
