So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
