I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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