I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
