dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
