Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
there's paper in my vomit.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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