so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
