Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
