Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
