We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
