Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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