I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Couch. On fire.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
