bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
