So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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