Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
