She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
