My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize