I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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