Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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