you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
