3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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