Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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