Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
