If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
