sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
