I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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