she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
