Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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