Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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