Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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