sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
