I wannas sexs uuuuu
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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