well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
