Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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