Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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