i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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