Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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