I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
