I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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