dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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