just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
