I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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