then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
