remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
