tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
