Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
