Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize