I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
