I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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