dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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