Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
