...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The power of my boobs compel you
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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