so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
