My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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