Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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